Friday, September 5, 2008

the dilemma that has left me alone for over a year...

is coming back.

and this time... i there's a BIG RED sign board that says " ONE WAY ONLY".

good news is. i think, i won't have to waste gallons of brain juice trying to make up my mind, which option to take. cos i don't have a choice, really.

bad news is. its an issue i've been avoiding, for sooo long. and i don't know if i'll like it one bit.

sure, there's regret and disappointment. but then, there's also relief.

but then, to think about it, the reason i've stopped learning piano is cause of the o-levels... so after the o-levels i should resume lessons right? wrong. cos one, i'm enjoying my "new-found freedom". two, cos everything, my results, my future, the things i'll be taking on, seemed so unsure...
then, before i knew it, poly started. then so much work to catch up with, signing up for programmes, getting used to life in poly, in nursing, and trying to fit in with them people too... not mentioning "classroom politcs". yes. it is going on 24/7 whether we like it or not.

then now, the 3-week break is here. so going out with friends, catching up, trying to find a job (failed to in the end..), mentally preparing for the 3-week attachment. in Singapore General Hospital. for real.

and just only, my mum was talking to me about it again. piano. then i realised that i still haven't made a choice. after so many months. but nothing made progress. i still don't know how to feel. that this opportunity is still here. sad? cos i practically almost forgot how to play, i think. happy? cos i'm still given the chance. so. confusion.

then she told me that its a "rice-bowl" for the future. but till this day, yes, till this day. i'm STILL intent on being a nurse. so if i'm a nurse. i wouldn't be able to teach piano or something right? you know, different shifts.. 8hour work days. its got to be so tiring and hectic that i would want to enjoy the weekends/ days off instead of teaching piano, right?

then i thought about the exams that just ended. and like always. i don't know if i would do well. and what if i'm not able to do well? what if i end up dropping out of the course? the first thing that would happen would be to be miserable about the fact that i've let everyone and myself down. second, i will not be able to fulfil my ambition of being a nurse. third, i worry about being looked at as a failure by my family, cousins, friends, teachers. and lastly, what about the future? my future.

then at that point in time (if it were to really happen), only will the knowledge of playing the piano be useful right? (don't talk about leisure and enjoyment for the time being).
so, only if i DO drop out of the course will the piano lessons be useful.

but what is going on now, is that my mum wants me to start playing piano. starting tomorrow in fact. and i've got no idea how to start. where to start. let alone how much i remember. and to say the truth. i'm scared to find out myself. will i like to play again?

then i stopped thinking of the factors around me. and i thought about just playing the piano. i've stopped at grade 6. and i know friends who've stopped at grade 6. but i also know friends who have gone on to grade 7, 8 and so on. and whenever "piano" is brought up i'll always feel so useless cos i've let myself down (and maybe everyone around me too, esp my mom).

help? god? anyone?

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